Perth Footy Live Rd 7: C1 Quinns Districts v Warnbro Swans

~ A Recap by Scully ~

The Perth Footy Live team slipped on our cowboy boots and headed off to the bullring at Ridgewood Oval for the C1 Quinns Districts versus Warnbro Swans match last Saturday. Our own little rodeo clown even tagged along in the form of Craig ‘Rocket Man’ Wilson. Cam also managed to tidy himself up for the occasion removing his poor excuse for a moustache. Having consulted the Field Guild to Australian Moustaches, Cam’s upper lip fluff most resembled the ‘pre-pubescent’ species, which can be seen in its natural habitat trying hard but not really getting anywhere. Seems appropriate.

The Perth Footy Live team’s welcome to the home ground was an interesting one to say the least. We were greeted by Quinns Districts officials, by that I mean a couple of the Colts boys, who were encouraging people to stay away from the toilets while it aired out. Apparently Reahan Allaway, #6 for the League side, had an incident in the toilets that required quarantining. At least, that’s what ‘Snake and Shaun’ claimed while chatting to us. According to Darren ‘Effi’ Eiffler, president of Quinns Districts, Snake and Shaun dribble a bit, so perhaps the leaky bum actually belonged to one of those two.

Speaking of the Bulls’ president, Effi hit the commentary tent early on and chatted to us about the sharp growth of his club in its 20 years, and its aspirations for the future. It appeared to me that Effi’s love of his club and community footy is what keeps him going, even with all the exhaustive multi-tasking he’s doing and along with this year’s Covid-19 complications. But, the man with a million Crocs, did admit that he can’t do what he does without the help of others, especially Lyn Lawrence and Kim Ivey. Lyn and Kim, if you’re reading this, we have it twice on permanent record now that Effi has entered into a verbal contractual agreement whereby payment of services provided should take the form of a trip to Bali, as bound by the legal terms of this Perth Footy Live recap. You’re welcome.

Besides regaling us with stories about manscaping during his younger playing days, Effi also pointed out how essential the Bulls sponsors have been this year, making full contributions despite Covid-19 impacts. We actually got a chance to talk to Luke from Mindarie Marina who said that the players are great supporters of the marina, just as much as they’re supporters of them. I don’t need convincing that the players are great supporters because there’s plentiful sources of Carlton Draught down at the marina. We also tried to get Woz on, the manager of Ocean View Tavern, but unfortunately Woz dodged the commentary tent. Now, having spent many a late night at the OVT, I can assure you that their piss is not weak, but the boys may have accused Woz of being as weak as piss.

We had a wonderful treat at half-time watching the Quinns Districts Starkickers play a ripping 20-minutes of footy. Starkick is an all abilities football program for boys and girls who aren’t able to access traditional football pathways. With the Bulls having only kicked one goal in the second quarter, Macca suggested that some of the Starkickers deserved a call-up to the League team after displaying some superstar goal-kicking skills. Considering that little Billy insisted that he’d being playing footy for 10,000 years he’d have probably met the age requirements too. I’m sure he’d have been quicker than #26 Chris Valentine, who’s slower than Cam’s moustache growth - again, according to the notoriously unreliable Snake and Shaun.

We got a chance to hear from the Starkicker’s assistant coach, Wade, who explained that Starkick was “very important for the community and it’s a lovely program that gets the kids out there.” We could hardly hear Wade over the parochial parental support of another wonderful volunteer, Tammy, who described her son as “liking people but not very much so it’s really important for him.” Diesel certainly loves kicking goals though, and that’s why Starkick makes community football so beautifully inclusive. A huge shout out to Runabout Metals in Canning Vale for sponsoring the team.

The dedicated support of sponsors despite the impact of Covid-19 has become a running theme on Perth Footy Live of late, and the Warnbro Swans sponsors are no different. Hayley Crawford, the Swans president, rattled of their list of financial supporters during her time with us including Anytime Fitness Secret Harbour & Pinjarra, Go Kiosk Warnbro, Big Brews Liquor Warnbro and Safety Bay Settlements. Hayley is relatively new to the Swans presidency. She loves community football so much that she decided it was time for her to step up and do something.

While the Swans are a fully integrated club from juniors to seniors, as a supporter of women’s football Hayley explained that, “Football is changing obviously [and] we’ve got female footballers from our Auskickers all the way through to our Masters. Women’s football is on the up and up.” The Warnbro women’s teams have done exceptionally well on the field, and let me tell you, they go exceptionally well around a bar too. After a few Carlton Draughts they turned the bullring into a MMA cage. They were so ferocious in their support that I think some Bulls supporters even tapped out of their own clubrooms.

Finally, we got to my favourite part of the day – hanging out with the chicks from the Bulls women’s team. The team is in their third year and are currently sitting undefeated at the top of the B Grade Women’s ladder. Earlier that morning they’d beaten Gosnells by 94 points. The only thing I’ve ever pantsed that much in my life is the top drawer of my clothes dresser. I was joined by Steph and Justis, representatives of the ultimate grand supreme team. Steph spoke so passionately and so perfectly about women’s footy. She enthused that, “With footy it’s really a family thing. It’s not individuals, it’s 100% a family unit, and you go out there and have fun and have each other’s backs. It gets you hooked and keeps you coming back.” Say no more.

To wrap up, I must mention the canteen competition. The scoring has gone into lockdown so we were uncharacteristically quiet about the canteen competition. But, we did get our free feed! Effi made us his Masters’ special - apparently the old blokes enjoy a bite of his burgers after their hard training slogs and Effi claims that he’s a dab hand at flipping beef. As Effies Endless Entertainment is actually a Bulls sponsor, I’d tried to get the burgers delivered by male strippers, but we canned that in case it gave Quinns Districts an unfair advantage. Oh, and it probably would have been morally questionable too. The meat patties are actually provided by Ocean View Tavern. They’re quite a generous size because Effi gets very particular about shrinkage, so the patty has to fill the bun right up to the edges. Personally, I thought the patty made for a comfortable fit, and the overall Bulls burger was as good as grabbing any male stripper by the horns.

Despite their exceptional hospitality, the Bulls were defeated by the Swans by an unmentionable margin. We commiserated with Effi over some Carlton Draughts during the fifth quarter, while the Swans took themselves home in their keg on wheels. Actually, they commandeered a Bulls esky for their return trip to keep their precious cargo icy cold. Cheeky.

As always, I walked away from the day with a pep in my step reinvigorated by the heartfelt footy on display, and the antics of the local characters who make it a joy to be a part of the team privileged to engage with them every Saturday through Perth Footy Live. The Warnbro Swans may have secured the win, but the Quinns Districts Bulls still know how kick up some dust and buck about for some good old-fashioned community footy and fun.

This Saturday you’ll find the boys at Lightning Park live streaming the C4 Noranda versus Rossmoyne match at 2:45 onwards. You’ll find me back at the bullring “covering” the Quinns Districts versus Piara Waters B Grade Women’s semi-final game.

Now, just one final shout out to Warnbro Swans before I finish up.

Can Clarky get his esky back please?